Who’s in the Driver’s Seat?

As we recall and record our lives, we inevitably face a host of dilemmas about what to include and what to keep in our journals.. I cannot say there’s a full proof way to make a decision you won’t later regret, but I have come up with a useful, clarifying question.

• Why do want to share a particular story in my personal history?

If anger, disappointment, or spite is fueling your desire to write a story, I think it’s best to keep your audience safe and small. I have found that when hot emotions are in the driver’s seat, sentences are choppy and the writer’s perspective is limited. I often remind my clients that a writer’s job is to guide the reader through a labyrinth and back to safety, not drag them into it and leave them there. If we are still in the middle of a conundrum that we haven’t yet figured out, it’s probably best not to invite our readers to join us.

Once we have some emotional distance from a challenging relationship or a traumatic experience, we are better equipped to analyze our feelings, understand other people’s behavior, and offer insight about what we have learned from our struggle. When insight is in the driver’s seat, we can craft artful sentences, imagine another person’s perspective, and be honest about own foibles. 

As I was helping a client, whom I’ll call Amanda, figure out how much to include in her book about her sexually abusive father and neglectful mother, it was very clear that she was writing her story not to bring her mother and father to account but to honor the hired caretaker who had helped her survive her chaotic, confusing childhood. By the time Amanda took pen to paper, she had the emotional tools not only to walk her readers through the labyrinth of her early years but also to guide them out of it. 

As a rule, I believe that if we are sharing a story to blame another person, exonerate ourselves, or nurse a grievance, we are probably too close to the story to write about it with generosity and objectivity. On the other hand, if our motivation is to explore how an event transformed us, articulate what we now understand about people’s desire for revenge, or analyze how prejudice clouded our own and others’ thinking—then I think we are ready to offer a gift that can be received and understood.